You jokes
When your little brother knocks your two Jenga towers you made with his toy airplane,
You: "Hey, stop trying to recreate the Twin Towers!"
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
If your name is Caleb or Connor, you have a problem.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
I farted, try me. You farted? Oh no, we all farted.
The plane crashed, but I did too on a pillow.
What starts with "s" and ends with "erm"? SuperM.
This means both "matrix" and "master" so take out the "u" and then you just get "master". When you think of sperm, you think of porn. If you're a master at something, you're also a star at it. So you get porn star.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
One man said, "Do you need 20 bucks?"
The other said, "Do you have that many?"
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?
The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.
POV: You are 7 years old and you find a stick. SWORD.
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
What do you call a magic car?
A human.
Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?
Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.
This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."
You think you're funny? Look at your hairline; it looks like a McDonald's sample.
Can you guys comment on my nuts jokes (aka Willma, Bofa, and Savor)? I just want to see if people don't think it's funny.