You jokes

How do you get a hippy pregnant?

Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Roses are red, violets are blue, gum makes me beautiful, but what happened to you?

Your mom's a whore, and so are you!

If you drop something, make your short friend get it.

Did you know the giraffe’s hooves are the size of dinner plates? Too bad they would have nothing to put on them!

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

"What do you tell a person with depression?

Just hang in there, buddy!"

What do you call an adopted orphan?

Wanted.

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

Some girls are like rocks.

You skip the flat ones.

What do you call an annoyed octopus?

Octopissy.

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

What does a baby and a grenade have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.

"Bill swift here, you make them, we take them!"

"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.

Do you know Candice?

"Candice balls" fit in yo mouth.