You jokes

I was gonna tell you a sodium joke, but Na, only I thought it was so dium funny.

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire? Hot wheels!

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it!

So, a neutron went to a bar. He asked the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender said, "For you, no charge."

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

When do you go on red and stop at green?

A watermelon.

Q: What do you call an angry monkey?

A: Furious George!

A blind man walked into me at a store. I said, "Watch it, bitch!" and he said, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.

What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fffffsshhhhhh

How do you fix an igloo?

With Iglue.

If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.

What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?

Carlos.

Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.

Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.

I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

Wife: Honey, I love you.

Husband: I love you all.

Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!