You jokes
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.
Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?
Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD
A man and a boy went into a forest. The boy said he was scared. The man said, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
What do you call a fish with no booty?
What do you call a fish with no neck?
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.
I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.
I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."
You wanna hear an orphan joke?
Okay, here it goes:
You.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a fruit joke.
What do you call a piece of tech that acts emo?
Cutting-edge Technology.
Would you like to eat some African food?
So would they...
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
Q: How do you know there’s a party at Neverland Ranch? A: All the Big Wheels are parked out front.
Q: When do you know it’s over? A: Only one is left.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word "bank" in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.