Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.
how do you make a octopus laugh ten tickles
If you say the word "gullible" slowly, it will sound like you're saying "orange."
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
You walk into a room. And there’s a lot of people waiting in line to punch you... Yeah that’s the punchline.
What do you call a bad player? A noob.
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
Guy: Are you tired?
His “Crush”: No.
Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?
His “Crush”: That’s sweet.
Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.
A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"
She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.
He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"
Yo mama so dumb, she thought "The Squid Game" was an all-you-can-eat buffet.
"Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust Ring in Hell!"
Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"
What do you call a orphan running to home.
He couldn't find home.
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
What shouldn't you ask an emo?
"Do a wrist reveal."
A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks.
You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What do you call a swimming terrorist?
A bath bomb.
