You jokes

This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

Are you a toaster?

Because I wanna take a bath with you.

If you can't stand the heat, sit!

Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?

Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.

What do you call a wheelchair person with a gun? Special ops.

The best way to tell someone that you don't like them is by texting them "370HSSV 0773H" and tell them to read it upside down.

BF: Babe, I have two questions.

GF: Ok, ask!

BF: Where have you been all my life?

GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?

BF: Can you please go back there?

GF: What do you think of our love?

BF: Count the stars in the sky.

GF: Aww... It's infinity!

BF: Nope. It's just a waste of time.

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

If you drop something, make your short friend get it.

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.

(Like if you hate feminists.)

How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Your mom's a whore, and so are you!

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.

What do you call a train full of gum?

A chew chew train.

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

Q: What do you call an owner that can't take care of their cat? A: A impurrefect owner.

One time you walked up to a mirror, but it’s shattered because of your reflection.