You jokes

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

A fat man meets a skinny man.

The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."

And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."

God loved you so much that He gave you one face and started clearing off a place for another.

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

Hey baba girl, I have balls, you know.

You know boys have balls. Girls have balls, too.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want; it won't chase you.

Stranger: Tries to kidnap a kid.

Kid: Runs home.

A few minutes later, the kid was in the back of the van...

If you know, you know.

So you're saying a penny is worth more than a penny?

That don't make no cents.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

You know that I drink water, right? I drink water because I am water. Water is water.

What do you call someone with no legs?

Disabled.

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?

"Me lava you sooo much, cutie cake. I know I'm so so so cuteee. Lava you girl... ummmma ummmaaa. I know where you liveee kutty."

Like if you are emo.