I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
You Jokes
What do you call a pig that does Karate?
How do you make an emo jump?
A bridge.
What do you call an orphan that has a brother? The second one without one.
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
How do you blindfold an Asian? String!
Do you know Biden?
Biden on these nuts.
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
If you were to drop an emo and a leaf off a tree, who would hit the ground first?
The leaf, because the emo is always hanging.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
How do you know if your sister's on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny.
What's worse than fingering your sister?
Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?
About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.
The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.
Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.
Other family members: ...
