You Jokes

Do you know Candice?

Nope.

Candice dick fit in your mouth.

Do you know Mike Hawk? No, who is he? Mike Hawk in your MOUTH!

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!

Did you hear that song about 9/11? It was a real banger!

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

Bully: Ha, guess what?

Nerd: What?

Bully: You are adopted.

Nerd: At least I was wanted!

(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!

What do you call it when you have two Indians, one Black, and a fat White?

A s'more.

You have a head of a Malteser and a hairline VEGTA.

Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."