You jokes
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"
What did the seal say to the shark?
"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"
What do you call an orphan who likes football?
Because someone will actually give him something.
Mia’s mother has 5 kids: Lilly, Abby, Alexa, Mila, and.... Q: Who is last? A: Mia.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? Little old lady, you don’t need to yodel about it!
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
Me: How do you say yes in Spanish? You: Si. Me: Si if these nuts fit in your mouth.
What do you call a rich orphan?
Batman.
What do you call a photo of an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
What do guns and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
What do you call a family photo with an orphan?
A selfie.
What flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising flour.
Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.
Like it if you judge people's hairlines.
Your hairline is so far back that I didn’t know you had a hairline.
If you have a pair and it runs around the street, what do you call it? A running pair.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What do you call suicidal Hitler?
Slitler.