What did the dick say to the asshole?
You need another dick.
You Jokes
Whats the difference between NASA and religion
NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers
What do you call a five year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Licka-lotta-puss.
You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the first knock knock joke?
He won the No Bell Prize!
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?
Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Don't worry, neither have they.
Yo mama so fat, when you married your sister, she was big enough to sit on the groom's side and the bride's side.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?
When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?
You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!
what do you call a retard smoking weed?
a baked potato.
What do you call a grey, fat, and very old unicorn?
A rhino.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”