Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"
You Jokes
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
If you fuck your sister in front of a redneck, are you appropriating their culture?
What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
What if you put a scared homosexual guy and an angry homophobic guy inside a stable?
Hmm, let's see, if the homosexual guy has some good luck, maybe he will meet a super unicorn and help him out to defeat the angry homophobic guy :D
What do you call a retarded duck?
Fuck duck and lick my balls.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?
European.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Realizing you only put in 4.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
Daddy.
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call a white man in court?
SUPERIOR!
All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.
Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.