You jokes

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

Sans: “pokes brother with ruler”

Papyrus: Sans, what are you doing?

Sans: Measuring your patience.

Papyrus: Grunts

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as you like. They can’t change anything.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes

Have you tried eating a clock?

It's time-consuming!

What do you call a fish that can use a katana?

A salmon-rai.

Dear algebra,

I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

If you read this, your life is a joke.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Three people having sex is a threesome; two people is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "handsome," don't take it as a compliment.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

I would have told you about a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction.