Do you think the founder of Dunlop was a retired tree surgeon or a hairdresser?
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts lolololol hahahahah.
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
Q. How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?
A. Depends how thin you slice them.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
You want to know what the ugly truth looks like?
Go look in the mirror.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
Two mates walk into a bar.
Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"
Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."
Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"
Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."
Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"
Follow me on Instagram @v2good.at.fortnite and @v2good.at.edits for a surprise.
Btw, you have to like all my posts :)
A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.
The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.
Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?
The Apple repair store.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."
