You jokes
What happens when you throw water on Stephen Hawking?
He says, "Oh fuck fuck fuck!"
Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?
He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.
Okay, roses are red, violets are blue, Barney looks better than you.
What is similar between sex and fishing?
It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. The first cannibal says, "You start at the bottom, I start at the top," so they both chow down.
About half an hour later, the second cannibal says, "I'm having a ball!" Then the first cannibal says, "Then you're eating too fast!"
A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.
So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"
The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"
The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."
Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fffffsshhhhhh
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
How many babies does it take to paint a room red?
Depends how hard you throw 'em.
What do you call an ugly, grey thing?
Cinderelephant!
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walked into a bar. The bartender told them there was a magic mirror in the bathroom. He said that if you spoke the truth in front of the mirror, you would have your greatest desires, but if you told a lie, you would disappear.
The redhead said that she was the prettiest girl in the bar, and she walked out of the bathroom, and she got a thousand dollars. The brunette walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar. She walked out of the bar with a new car. The blonde went in, she said, "I think..." poof, she was gone.
Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?
Harlem, New York.
What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
- What do you call a bee who flew to United States? - "USB"
This is a Rickroll. The joke is that you thought you were going to get something else, but instead you got Rickrolled.
Where do you take your pig to karate?
The pork chop class!