You Jokes

Wife

Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris: "Chuck Norris doesn't fight, he just allows you to lose."

Me: "How come did you lose Return of the Dragon?"

Cat

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

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  • Game

    What does a French woman say when you ask her what her favorite video game is? "Oui, oui!"

    Lord

    After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

    Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

    Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

    Lord: "My dog died?!"

    Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

    Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

    Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

    Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

    Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

    Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

    Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

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  • Woman

    The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.

    Butter

    Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

    Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

    Titanic

    If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.

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  • Yolk

    If I busted an egg on your head... The yolk would be on you... hahaha...

    Yolk

    If I busted an egg on your head.... the yolk would be on you... ha ha ha!!!

    Divorce

    I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

    Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

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  • Mexican

    What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

    Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

    Knock

    "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

    Knock knock

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Madam.

    Madam who?

    Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

    Canoe

    A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

    The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

    The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

    And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

    The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

    The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

    The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

    And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

    Woman

    What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?

    "Will you listen now?!??"