Surprise party jokes

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.