You jokes

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.

How do you know you’re at a gay cookout? They’re putting your sausage between two buns.

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.

What do you call a group of people who are interested in Nintendo monkeys?

A Kongregation.

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.

An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."

What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?

Kick her.

Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.

What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!

What's Michael Jackson's favorite things to say to little boys? "I'd really love to see you-hoo-hoo tonight," and "I can't smile without you-hoo-hoo."

What do you call a cow with horns? A horny cow.

Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.

You know how people say white men can’t jump? Well, you should check the 9/11 footage.

Man, this walk is really good. Oh wait, you can't.