You jokes

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?

Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What do you call a man with a Johnny on his nose? Fuck nose.

What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What do you call an @EB with no ears?

An Explain B.

What do you call a child version of Batman?

The Raped Crusader.

What do you call a cold Explain bear?

A brrr.