You jokes
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
In barking grade!
A kindergarten teacher is chatting with little John. The teacher asks John, "John, can you get me some pencils?" John replies, "Sure, I'll do it!" and accidentally knocks over a vase.
The teacher says, "Oh, John!"
John asks, "What does that mean?" The teacher replies, "It's kind of a synonym for 'You loser!'"
Satan: "Why are you in hell?"
Me: "I threw itching powder on somebody with no arms."
What happens to an Indian's doorbell when you ring it?
A ring-a-ding-a-ding.
Him: Hey girl, do you have pet insurance?
Her: Yes, why do you ask?
Him: Cuz I'm going to bang that pussy up!
A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
"Are you having a crisis because people say 67?"
Q. What do you call a hooker in a vegetative state? A. A thot incapable of thought.
What do you call autistic people with guns? Special forces.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.
Kim Jong Il: Knock knock.
Political Prisoner: Who's there?
Kim Jong Il: Boo.
Political Prisoner: Boo who?
Kim Jong Il: Boo hoo? Don't cry just because I executed your wife and enslaved your children. You at least get to eat today, my friend.
What do a Rubik's Cube and a dick have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
What do you call Liberal Scare Tactics?
A Conservative's Utopia.
You are so skinny, you probably wipe your butt with floss.
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use.
I don't get people who treat you like shit and cross your boundaries, then are surprised when you have depression.
It's because of them after all. 🥰✨️
What do you call gun ammunition made out of human babies?
Project-childs.
(Projectiles)
What's bigger than Kurt Cobain's head?
What do you mean? He doesn't have one.
The Hodja purchased a piece of meat at the market, and on his way home he met a friend.
Seeing the Hodja's purchase, the friend told him an excellent recipe for stew.
"I'll forget it for sure," said the Hodja. "Write it on a piece of paper for me."
The friend obliged him, and the Hodja continued on his way, the piece of meat in one hand and the recipe in the other. He had not walked far when suddenly a large hawk swooped down from the sky, snatched the meat, and flew away with it.
"It will do you no good!" shouted the Hodja after the disappearing hawk. "I still have the recipe!"