Michael Jackson went into an Italian restaurant and died because he choked on 9-year-old meatballs.
A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."
Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
Captain America is a 106-year-old virgin.
There is this boy in my year; he is in a wheelchair, so I kicked a football at him and pushed him, and then I shouted, "Rocket League!"
Your mama is so ugly! It took your dad 15 years to return from getting milk.
I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.
Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.
Remember 2000? It was scary.
I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited.
Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
Q: Why can kids relate to dogs?
A: They are noticed for 13 years, then left for no one to touch again.
If R. Kelly was a therapist:
14 year old: I hate my life.
R. Kelly: I feel you.
What’s the difference between a microwave and a 10 year old girl?
The microwave doesn’t fart out blood and diarrhea when you pull your meat out.
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.
There are 365 days in a year. Orphans have 363 because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day.
What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.
3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?
Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!
