Work jokes
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
My dad may be working, but the coping mechanisms sure aren't!
In America, you work on a plantation.
In Soviet Russia, the plantation works on you!
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
I work at a tire shop.
I'm pretty tired.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.
The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."
Why did the astronaut return to Earth?
She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋
Where do you go if you lost a pencil?
Office Works! They have solved loads of pencil cases.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
So there was a school shooting in Florida. Why didn't the shooter just go to Disney?.......sorry, I just work there and I'm trying to get people to come on down.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I see you, I see you; you would have to work out.
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Q: What's the best part about working at an abortion clinic?
A: You don't have to buy dog food.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"