How come yo mama did not come straight home from work last night? Because her daughter had sex with her boyfriend and got drunk.
Everytime I'm come straight home from work you in the bed sleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket. Then the next thing I noticed you just came back from the dead in no time dummy.
September 11, bring your plane to work day.
So Johnny was working at a deli, a woman walks up and asks, do you have any salad? Johnny says no, she asks? What about carrots? Again Johnny says no, she says what about bananas? Johnny says "tell ya what, spell out "lad" in salad" she spells L A D, Johnny replies "spell "rot" in carrot" she spells R O T, Johnny says "now spell "fuck" in vegetables or fruits" she says "there is no fuck in vegetables or fruits" Johnny exclaims "thats what ive been trying to tell you!"
So i was laying in bed and jt winter do my room is aleays cold cause the heater doesnt work. And i was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then i layghed cause who would wanna be with me. Hahaha
First Date: HE:"i work with animals every day!" SHE:"oh how sweet! what is it that you do?" HE:"I’m a butcher" SHE:“perfect i work with humans i just kill them by cutting them up!” HE:"so its you in the news paper?"SHE:"yes it was,wanna be next?" HE:"no!"
Once I saw A girl crying and asked where are your parents; God I love working at orphanages.
My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive. I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked "How is that supposed to work?". I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"
What do you call an Asian receptionist?
Tai Ping.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
What did an Orange day before going to work?
Back to the rind!
A famous celebrity admitted that she was non-straight, suffered from a rare condition that changed the colour of her skin, did not age well, only wanted to be compensated for her work in the 5th month of each year at her favourite store while laying down: TO GET FAYE'S WAY, PAY GRAY, GRAY, GAY FAYE WRAY IN MAY AND LAY HER DOWN AT "THE BAY".OK!!!
You don't need brains to be a Boss. When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.
kid: Dad wear do u work dad: I.C.U.P kid:HAHAHAH!!!! SEE YOU PEE
He: I am 60 and I have to slog 12 hours a day to make a living. Do u call it life?
She: I am 28 and still a virgin, do u call it life?
person one: why did the boy go home? person two: why? person one: because he had PHOAM work to do!
Error code 404 "Will to live" not found
Smileandtalk.exe has stopped working
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollars at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 to 200 IN 6 SECONDS". Bill Says, "Ok". The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it..It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
