Zelensky: I'm begging for Russian forces to withdraw from the whole of Ukraine.
Putin: Crimea river.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
What do you call a male prostitute in a bar...
Handy Andy.
What do you call a transgender person? Nintendo Switch.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite instrument? Little skin flutes.
What do you call Mordecai dressing up as a basketball player?
Blue Jay Simpson!
What do the Spanish people call child abuse? Pedrophile.
I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.
Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.
What do you call an Afghanistan person In a bath? A bath bomb
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
Why does Joe Biden call women muffins?
'Cause muffins backwards is sniffum.
Damn bro, are you Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cuz you be lookin AuTiSTiC.
What do you call an ex eating Taco Bell?
Explosion.
Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.
Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"
How do you say fish without the eye
Fsh
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
What do you call a guy named Kaiden?
I don't know, lol.
In the bus, you can't spell "black" without "back."
Which country can swim?
Finland. Get it? Fin Land?
