Woman jokes

Women.

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?

Because every manhole needs a cover.

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.

Why do women hate having sex with midgets?

Because of their shortcomings.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?

Girl: No, how?

Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.

what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?

sue the dating site for matching her with him.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.