I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
Woman Jokes
Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?
Because women don't have rights.
Why are women like KFC?
After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!
Why can't a Muslim woman give head to an American cop?
She doesn't eat pigs.
Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Men: "I like dogs."
Women: "I like cats."
Chinese: "Food is food."
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
