Woman jokes

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

“I was behind you at McDonalds’."

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?

Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

What do you call physically handicapped, homophobic, heterosexual men and women in wheelchairs?

Mixed nuts.

How do you know that a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts the sentence with ‘a man once said.’

Girl, are you a rope? Because I want to hang with you.

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

Why does a woman never set boundaries with a Mexican? Cause they will always cross it.

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?

The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.