When jokes

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

What do you call it when a boxer cums? Busting a nut.

What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

When was the first Black Friday?

1619.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.