When jokes

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

When was the first Black Friday?

1619.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

A bomb is like a baby; when you drop it, everyone screams.