When jokes

I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.

What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?

Mashed potatoes.

What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

I started crying when Dad began to cut onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?

He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.

All I can see when I pass Saturn is Uranus because it's so big.

What happened when the depressed kid went to give it a high five?

It left him hanging.

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!"

What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?

I don't know. I suffocated at birth.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she got raped, the rapist was the one getting PTSD!

A man sacrificed children who played Roblox, so when someone knocked on the door, they said, "An administrator has banned you from heaven!"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.

What do you say when Trump is still president during 2020? Magic!