When jokes

When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Where do you go when food dies?

A fooderal.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?

I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.

What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.

You're the bunny, and I'm the Rottweiler.

Where do you go when Steve Hawkins dies?

Microsoft.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I care when my computer crashes.

Yo mama so hairy, you got carpet burn when you were born.

Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.

Yo mama so blind that when she played Fortnite, she got her vision back, got 'em!

What's hot and hard?

Me when I look at children.

What did the Pokemon lover say when he got to the shoe store?

I have to Pikashoe.

What happened when a hammer punished the nail?

He hit him.

What did the Canadian say when a guy shot his beaver?

"It is ok, I forgive you."

What did Siri say when Stephen Hawking spoke to him... Sorry, I don't like Microsoft.

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

Yo mama's so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out of the way.