When jokes
When is a car not a car?
When it's a house.
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
When you try to close a Google ad because it was covering content, but it was covered by "Ad closed by Google."
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.
Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: The 9/11 victims. They went through 20 stories in seconds.
What do you call it when a watch has too many belts?
A waist of your time.
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
What's thick and has ice in it when you take it out of a blender?
A baby smoothie.
When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)
When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.
But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)
What does a baby in a blender look like?
I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.
What are you going to have for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?
What happens when you say, "Hey Siri?"
Stephen Hawking answers.
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.