When jokes
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
What did the explorer say when he got tired?
I'm gonna take a map.
When this guy fell off a cliff, he got an A+ for egg-cellence!
What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?
I don't know. I suffocated at birth.
Yo mama is so slow, when she stepped on the highway they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic.
What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?
"I'd hit that."
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?
A brrrrrrrr-d!
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
What does Sonic say when he doesn't want to get caught fucking in public?
Gotta Go Fast!
Why is it poetic when they have plenty of those German sandals in the store? Because they're Birkenstock.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
What do you get when Glen fucks an orange?
Adam.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
When the grass is bloody, You play in the mud...
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"