When jokes
It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.
I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
Showing them the ropes.
What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?
One stops sucking when you smack it.
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?
She borrows her husband's last name.
What do you get when you cross a belt and a watch?
A waist of time.
What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?
"(Me)owwww!"
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
What do you get when you throw a pebble into the ocean?
A wet pebble.
What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?
A wet pebble.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?