When jokes
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.