When jokes
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
A french fry was talking to a potato, but the potato didn't understand what he was saying.
It was because he didn't speak French.
What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."
What happened when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Complete and utter destruction.
Stephen Hawking died when he ran out of data for the month.
What does a 911 call receiver say when they get a call?
"9 Juan Juan, who this?"
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
How can you tell if a gay guy has a high sperm count?
Chew when you swallow!
What did the cops do when 600 hares escaped the zoo?
The cops had to comb the area.
When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."
What did the cat say when he was stuck on a thorn-bush?
"Meow!"
Yo mama so old, she was there when Moses was born.
So, two cats, one English (named "One Two Three Cat") and one French (named "Un Deux Trois Cat"), are walking through a forest and come across a river. To have a little fun, they decide to have a race across the river.
One Two Three Cat swam across, and when he finished the race, he looked behind him. "Un Deux Trois Cat" was nowhere to be seen. So "One Two Three Cat" figured that "Un Deux Trois Cat" sank.
There were 500 bricks on a plane. One fell off.
Little Sally was crossing a river full of crocodiles. How did she survive the river? She had a gun. When she got out of the river, she died. Why? Because a brick fell on her head.
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"