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What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

What time do you have when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

Why was one afraid of every number in the world?

Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.