When jokes
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.
Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.
A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money.
Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole.
The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money.
The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money, you worthless old fart?”
Everyone when we're in the cafeteria singing happy birthday to some random person: "Happy birthday to you..., Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
Me in the background: Happy deathday to you..., Happy deathday to you, happy death day dear___, happy death day to you!"
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
The teacher asks her class, "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says, "Sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
Where do bunnies go when they're sick?
The hoppital.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad influence on children?
Because he only looks one way when crossing the road.
When you get caught about to shoot up the school,
*slowly puts AR to chin*
What do you call purple when it's being mean? Violent.
What happens when you mess with a farmer? You get the whole ranch.
What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?
The cow didn’t make it.
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
What do you get when skeletons are dancing in a tin can?
Noise!
What do you get when someone named Victoria falls? A Victoria Falls!
What happens when a pun isn’t funny?
It gets PUNished.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.