When jokes
What does a pillow say when you live for a week? "Don't forget me!"
When I hit a home run, I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.
What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?
One won't scream when you remove their meat.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?
What did the store manager say when they ran out of toilet paper?
We’re wiped out!
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?
I cry when I chop up onions.
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
What did the sea do when it saw the beach?
It waved!
What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."
What did Stevie Wonder see when he got murdered?
Nothing.
Fail and fall mean the same thing when it’s downstairs.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
When you realize the person reading this is a clown.
As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.
The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."
So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."
What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?
Moses hits the adoption lottery!
So, three daughters were sitting in the same room as their mother. The first daughter asked why she was named Daisy. So, the mother replies, "Because when we were taking you out of the hospital, a daisy landed on your forehead." The second daughter asked why she was named Rose. So, the mother explained, "Same as Daisy, when we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your forehead." The third daughter then said "ksvrjxbdkavdowbxksb," so the mother said, "Shut up, Brick!"
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”