When jokes
What did the tree say when it gets horny? My wood has a splinter.
When someone says you're an orphan, say, "At least I was wanted, unlike you!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought of the zoo and monkeys too!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?
Mitosis!!! (my-toe-sis)
Why are Amoebas so bad at math?
Because, when they need to multiply, they divide.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
Little Red Riding Hood has to deliver food to her grandma again. She can drive now because she is sixteen. One the way, she accidentally took the wrong way and got to a different forest where her grandma lives now. She found the wrong cottage that looked like her grandma's home. When she opened the door, she found her younger and older sisters of ages 9, 11, 18, and 22. How old is Little Red Riding Hood?
Answer: 16
Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
When you realize the shuttle blew up.
Then you realize you're on the shuttle.
One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.
Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!
Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.
Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?
Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.
Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.
Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.
Brother 2: You monster.
Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?
Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.
Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.
Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!
Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.
Brother 1: Found them.
*imaginary mother and brother fade away*
Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.
Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.
When I see James Charles, my popcorn goes pop pop.
What's the difference between a baby and a brick?
A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.
What did Michael Jackson say when he became a triangle? Tetraheehee!
How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's cock tastes of blood.
What happens when an alien connects with your device?
The alien says on your device: ".-- . / - .-. .- ...- . .-.. / ..-. .-. --- -- / -- .- -. -.-- / -- .- -. -.-- / --. .- .-.. .- -..- -.-- ..."
I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and corrupt dictator, Fidel Castro?