When jokes

A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.

“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

Pin drop silence in the class!

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Yo mama's so fat that when Legolas killed her, Gimli counted her for two.

What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"

Why did the judge dismiss court when the orphan walked in?

Even a gay prison wouldn't want him.

Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...

Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?

When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.

What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.

I asked the emo kid if they get jealous when their phone dies.

When it's not just a phase and you kill yourself to prove it.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"

What did the orphan do when he got punched?

Nothing, because his parents weren't there! :)

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.