When jokes

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?

What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?

When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.

What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.

I asked the emo kid if they get jealous when their phone dies.

When it's not just a phase and you kill yourself to prove it.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"

What did the orphan do when he got punched?

Nothing, because his parents weren't there! :)

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

Who else liked the part in Morbius when he said his catchphrase "IT'S MORBIN' TIME" and MORBED over everyone? In my theater we had a standing ovation!

Yo mama so fat that she broke the scale when she put one foot on it.

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.

When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.

Yo momma so fat, when she pulled out the chair, it screamed and broke itself.

Yo mama so fat, when she got ran over, the van did a 360 flip to Mars!

When the emo kid went to high five the tree, the tree left him hanging.

FUCK EMO KIDS!

Little boy asked his dad why he was born black.

Father replied, "So the heat from the sun doesn't burn your skin."

Then he asks, "Why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire?"

"So the coconuts when falling from the trees won't hurt you."

"Then what are we doing living in Rochdale? (England)"