When jokes
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
When an orphan takes a photo, it’s also a family portrait!
Btw, if people find these offensive, why are you here? Why are you searching orphan jokes anyway?
When you die, scientists will preserve your skull.
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
What do you call it when a prostitute pays someone 5 bucks to fuck them?
5 dollar footlongs.
what happens when the president turns emo?
the great depression.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?!"
I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.
Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?
"No computers allowed on the test!"
When a rocketship went into space, seven astronauts went into space. That's why it's called NASA.
When Kenney goes down on his mom, does he taste vegetable or fish?
When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.
My uncle was a priest.
He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.
Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
When is the best time to punch a midget in the face?
When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says your hair smells nice.
Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.
Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.
Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"
Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
What did the cat say when he got mad?
I'm hissed!
What do you say when an emo cuts themself?
"Like your cut, G."