Whats jokes

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

What's the laziest mountain?

Mount Ever-rest.

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

- Carlos.

What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?

They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What does a rock and a girl have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Last night I burned down an orphanage.

There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?

Family comes first.

My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.

Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.

Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.