Whats jokes

What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

What do you call a blind racist?

A not see.

What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both finished the races.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

What did one traffic light say to the other?

"Stop looking, I am changing."

What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?

She was too young.

What do you call a dwarf police officer?

A guinea pig.

What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?

He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

What kind of dreams do hotels have?

Suite dreams.

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."

What do you call a candle in armor?

A knight light.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

What did Donald Trump serve to Justin Trudeau at a state dinner?

Poutine with Russian dressing!