Whats jokes
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
What was the pedophile charged with when he was arrested? A minor offense.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."