Whats jokes

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

What do bicycles and slaves have in common? They both use chains to work.

What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?

If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes.

What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Why were 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9. Then why was 10 afraid? Because it was between 9/11.

What do you think was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on floor 43? Floor 44 💀💀

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

What's the best way to cure the hiccups? Suicide.

What were the terrorist of 9/11 thinking?

We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we'll have to go through it.

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.

The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"

One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan?

One baby in three trashcans.