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What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can't use a pitchfork to get the bowling ball out of the truck.

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    • What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

    What do you call a bunny jumping backwards?

    A receding hairline.

    What is the difference between a white octopus and a white squid?

    A white octopus isn't in the KKK!

    What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

    So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

    A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

    What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

    You can unscrew a lightbulb.

    If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me...

    Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

    She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

    "Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

    Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."