Want jokes
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
What do orphans and garbage have in common?
They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
No, I don't want to fight, so I shall kill you (so we won't fight)!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
Why did the rapper sit on the clock?
He wanted to keep it real with TIME.