Vampire jokes
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"
He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.
Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.
Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?
He thought his son sucked!
What do you call a cross between a computer and a vampire bat?
Love at first byte! <3
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
Why are vampires always sick?
Because they are coffin.
One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
What is the favorite drink of a vampire?
bloody mary.
Why did the vampire go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why can't vampires tell jokes right? All their jokes just SUCK.
Why do Vampires like virgins?
Because eating a sandwich would be so much more appealing knowing no one fucked it.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the heterosexual woman after she was done licking her pussy after she was done having her blood period?
"I will be back next month."
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
How do you know a vampire's sick?
If he's coffin (coughing?)
What is a vampire's favorite animal? A giraffe.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Those two jokes are not funny at all!
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because they can't drink Bloody Marys because they are vampires.