Vampire Jokes

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

What's common in vampires and American kids?

They both don't get old.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why are vampires always sick?

Because they are coffin.

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Halloween joke:

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

A blood test.

Me: *stabs vampire*

Wife: omg

Me: *beats vampire to death*

Wife: OMG

Me: What?

Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!

Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?

Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption?

He thought his son sucked!

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

What's a cannibal's favourite drink?

A Bloody Mary.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.

Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

Why do Vampires like virgins?

Because eating a sandwich would be so much more appealing knowing no one fucked it.

What flies around the school at night?

Alpha-bats!

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.