Uselessness

Uselessness jokes

Pencil

    • You remind me of a pencil.

    Why?

    Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.

    President

    • Young man: "Very good money, and how about the name of the stupid young man again?"

    Friend: "Dagobert Duck."

    Young man: "Ah, I remember. He was the American useless."

    Friend: "Ah, you mean Donald Trump?"

    Young man: "Yes, just like that! I know exactly how the guy managed to become president. Hahaha!!!"

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    • Dad

    • Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

    Rooster

    • On Paxomedy channel, I made a video of a Rooster and a dog fighting.

    I needed to know why they were fighting. Once I dug down into the issue, it turned out that the Dog called the Rooster a Cock, and the Rooster laughed and called the Dog a useless Bitch, and that was the beginning of their fight, and weird enough, the Cock won!

    I went to congratulate the winner, but he thought he was insulting me by calling me Zinjathropus, but I said that was a compliment because Zinja was an old skeleton found in Africa, and I am African. I said to the Rooster he shouldn't have fought with the dog just because he called him a Cock. He said that being called a Cock is a compliment, and the fighting was his exercise to toughen up for serious fights with Dogs!

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    • Food

    • Food makers are proudly presenting human flesh-made foods. Donate your useless friends and family to us because we're saving lives.

    T and C apply. This is only in the best shops in your town, or down the road, or in your country. 1 like = 1 family member donated 'cause we're saving lives😎😎

    Ex

    • My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

    Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

    Result

    • I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

    Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

    I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

    I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

    I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

    My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

    Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

    I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

    The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

    My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

    They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

    My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

    The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

    I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

    I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

    Taliban

    • If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

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    • Woman

    • Men built civilisations. Men went to the moon. Men invented the modern comforts of today’s society.

    Women did none of those. They are useless, only fit to be baby making machines.

    Emo kid

    • How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

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