Use jokes
What does a cow use in school? A cowculator.
What does an Emo kid and Ted Bundy have in common?
They're both gay and use knives.
Really feeling suicidal is basically having a mental breakdown, but realizing you have nothing nice and sharp to use.
What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?
"I used to do it, but now I cant!"
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
I used to have a son, but he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died. For inspiration.
This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
Your skin's so bright you could be used as a highlighter.
So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.
When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"
He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."
Rocks are used too much; people take 'em for granite.
I don't struggle with depression, I'm used to it.
Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.
Anybody can use this :)
Slow and steady wins the race, but it won't fix your ugly face. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Q) What shampoo and conditioner did Stephen use?
A) Head and Shoulders.
Q) What’s Stephen’s favorite food?
A) Shoulders.
For real tho RIP Stephen Hawking 💕
What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?
He used a bus.
Why is it that the Libertarian Party never had a formal president of the United States that ran as a Libertarian that had a presidential library?
Because the Libertarian Party is the party of principle. The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971 and the Libertarian Party has not won a presidential election since 1972, because the Libertarian Party doesn't believe in using force to achieve political and social goals.
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...