Use jokes
What is the difference between an orphan and a candle?
One is used.
Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!
Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.
The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.
The guys show up and the guards shoot them.
The guys die because the guards used real guns.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
Why do orphans use Samsung?
Because iPhones have home buttons.
Yo mama so fat, everytime she has to use the world's largest knife.
Yo papa's wife is so dumb and fat that we had to use yo papa.
What do bicycles and slaves have in common? They both use chains to work.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
Q. How does a feminist stop a rapist?
A. By using her equal strength.
What do Polish people in Poland use chop sticks for?
tweezers.
Why don't midgets use tampons?
Answer: They are always tripping over the string.
What kind of flour do orphans use to make bread?
Self-raising.
An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.
Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.
When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"