United States

United States jokes

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

How did the United States become a country? It broke all of its states.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

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    • You know that you f**k better than dad?

    I know, mom says that too. (Typical Alabama Family)

    Yo forehead is so big it couldn't even fit in the United States.

    How do you find out about the accomplishments of the former president of the United States James Earl Carter?

    Read the label on the jar of Skippy peanut butter.

    Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

    Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

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    • Trump said: "Let's make America great again."

    Translation by Democrats:

    "Let's fake America again."

    What’s an abbreviation for school in America?

    Shooting range.

    Jokes just as dead as the victims.

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    • I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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