New Um Jokes

Me: What has two legs and bleeds? Friend: um women? Obviously? Me: actually half a dog. So you're still right.

W-what does, I mean uh, what is, um-, wh-what’s the difference, no... I mean- I mean what do you call a, um... sorry guys, i-i can’t do this😥🥺 *runs away in tears*

Why did the chicken cro-

UM ACTUALLY THE CHICKEN CANT CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS ITS UNER SOME ROOSTER IR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN AND THEY WILL DIE.🤓

*Me walk into the nail salon* Hi I'm here for my 3:45 appointment *nail tech* ok sweety come and sit down *Me sits down in the chair* *nail tech* you want long nail short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. ok. *gives me short nail* bro I asked for long nail. But you said bf but u look lesbian* walks out without paying* *nail tech gives money to a customer* there u win. *customer* I told u she would

um I need help how should I deal with depression?

joke: I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself

GUYS THIS IS SO WRONG IM A ORPHAN AND THIS EXTREMLY OFFENDS ME im telling my parents um.......

I have a pen I have an Apple um Apple pen The taliban had a plane the US had a building boom 9/11

I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers. Um. Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.

So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them,

They burst into tears.

I was worried that they would call their mom,

well.. um.. i got away

You momma's so fat when she pulls her knickers down her ass is still in um

Mom: son where is my condoms son: what are condoms DAD: she puts it on me and the sandwich son: wait why did my girlfriend come over and take one dad: um I don't know but go to bed son: but it's 2:46pm in the afternoon bruh

A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy you've worked out it is ak but what is 59 minis 12. Timmy shakes his head not knowing the teacher asks how about ak 49 minus 2? Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells What comes after ak Timmy!? The white kid at the back stands shouts 47 and pulls the trigger.

A dad told his son never to hit girls so the sun repeid i promis. When the sun got older he was doing the dirty with "a girl " and the girl sais spank me daddy.... and the sons repsonds my dad said never to hit a girl. and the "girl" takes of the wig and its his dad and the dad said good job son!.. Son:...... um

A man and a child walk into a forest. The kid says "um sir its getting dark and i'm getting kinda scared". The man says "yeah well think how I feel I have to walk back out alone.

*P.O.V orphan wanting to go on school trip/camp* Teacher: “can I have ur parents signature? It isn’t filled out.” Orphan: “um yeah.... That’s gonna be hard....” Teacher: “why?” Orphan: “I just have to find them first....”

Teacher- Tim where are your parents its been 15 minutes!? Tim (Orphan)- yeah um, they cant come. Teacher- why not? Tim- they're too busy working in heaven

Chapter 1. "Kid teacher"

Mrs. Lewis: Class, I want everyone to look at their textbooks and find a reasonable essay topic. My suggestion is page 232 or 678. Now this essay counts as the final grade for the semester, now do it or you will repeat 5th grade again! Now turn to page 100 and we'll start reading from there, do you all understand?

Neilela: Yes ma'am, quick question, we don't have to do it today ... do we?

Mrs. Lewis: Yes! Is today!

Andrua: It sounds boring and all I have to do today is be a big jerk who gives way to much of instructions.

Mrs.Lewis : Anyway, let's get to work.

56 hours later.

Mrs. Lewis: Kids, when I call you, please tell me what you liked about your eassy. When I call your name Carl.

Carl: Why me. Yes?

Mrs.Lewis : What did you like about the story Carl?

Carl: Um ... I liked it when ... um ... um ... um ... um ...

Jeklen: He didn't even read the story because he's to busy trying to look up the letter "J" and its meaning!

Carl: Jeklen shut up and stop biting your hair.

Jeklen: At least I know what the letter "J" is.

Mrs. Lewis: Class, please listen. Carl, did you read the story that I asked you?

Carl: Will, not really because you were the one reading it in class, so ...

Vronica: For real!

Carl: Mhmmm

Mrs.Lewis: Listen class, this homework needs to be done today! DO IT!

Kimbriel: Ms. Lewis, I have a lot of questions about tonight's homework.

Mrs.Lewis: Yes?

Kimbriel: You assigned so many things just for a little test! What?

Mrs.Lewis: I need a break! Peyton, you're in charge!

All students: NO, NOT PEYTON !!!!!!

Peyton: Me? In charge? Of the class?

Jessica: Wow, but you're all about the bordom!

Peyton: Shut up! yeeeeeeee

Peyton: Ms. Lewis, there must be a mistake, how can I be in charge? I'm 11 ... I think ...

Ari: To think that yesterday she thought she was 8 years old.

Oh sorry ... I think.

Mrs. Lewis: Have you ever heard of a teacher's vacation?

All students: That not a thing!

I never heard it ...

Mrs. Lewis: Will, me and Ms. Sumrall, we are going on a "teacher vacation", we can do it because we become calmer or we don't get angry at the students. AND WE CAN DO IT!

Khloe: Why?

Mrs. Lewis: Because I am an adult.

Ms. Sumrall: Is Petrina ready?

Ms. Lewis: Yes, thank goodness for this!

Kenya: Bye? "Chapter 2" To be continued...

Bully (😏): Name 3 things you don't have.

Orphan named Kaiel (😔) : Um...a dog...a doll...and a credit card.

Bully(😡): NO!

Orphan named Kaiel (😟): Sorry, what???

Bully (🤣): Parents. Family. And a home with people you love.

What do u call the most fucking racist and obnoxious country in the fucking entire fucking omniverse? NORTH AMERICA AND IF U DISAGREE JUST CUS UR AMERICAN I DON'T GIVE A FUCK U LOW LIFE CUNTS, plus if u don't think ur racist um hello people? Motherfucking George Floyd